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What to do if your spouse won’t go to counseling The
scenario of one spouse recognizing that therapy might be useful to look at a troubled relationship while the other is resistant
has several possible explanations.
It
may be that your partner has become too anxious as a product of interpreting your request for counseling as a sign that the
relationship is in serious danger, and may only have the strength to defend against the anxiety by denial and non-participation.
Your partner may also feel too threatened by the notion that he or she is to blame for your relationship difficulties, and
visualizes a therapy session as one in which you persuade the therapist of this unilateral conception. The fear here is that
of you being the complaining, “righteous” partner who co-opts the therapist in a biased alliance against him or her. In addition,
your resistant partner may not feel as competent to present his or her case to the therapist as you might, since after all,
you are fueled by pain and indignation of one kind or another. Again, for this mate, refusing to go to therapy is a way to
reduce anxiety, at least short-term.
If
you find yourself in this situation, it is useful to examine your emotional stance in the relationship with respect to judging
and blaming. Dominating your partner with blame only serves to maintain a power imbalance and your sense of being victimized
and deprived. If your partner is the source of blame and judgment and paradoxically still won’t attend sessions, it may be
that this person feels hopeless about the possibility of change or too vulnerable to relinquish the role of blamer in order
to learn more about the contributions that he or she makes to the problems that are straining the relationship.
Solutions to this problem may be emerge through the use
of compassion, an emotional attitude sometimes not easy to find in the midst of the acute pain and anger that are ordinary
products of disappointment in love. Recognizing the dynamics presented here may serve as a framework for re-shaping your attitudes
about your resistant partner from helplessness, disrespect, and judgment to interest and care about what is very likely to
be underlying fearfulness and vulnerability. If you can do that, then you may be able to have conversations with your partner
that are characterized by a softer tone, and more demonstrations of true empathy – the ability to de-center and put yourself
in your partner’s shoes. This act will have healing potential and effect some change even before you both arrive at the therapist’s
office.
If your partner still refuses
to attend therapy sessions with you, it is advisable for you to go by yourself. There is much helpful work that you and your
therapist can accomplish regarding how you live in the relationship, and as you become stronger, so, like ripples formed by
a stone being dropped in water, the positive energies that you bring home may be helpful to both of you, whether or not your
partner ever attends.
John Gerson, Ph.D.
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Enhancing Marital Communication At some time or another in our relationships, conflict naturally
arises. One partner may be in a different emotional space than the other, and sensitivity to a partner’s life context
can go way down. Of course, one’s physical circumstances are also relevant, as illness, fatigue and hunger create more
of a preoccupation with our own perceptions and needs. The following vignette is fictional, but contains communication snafu’s
that, although probably unintentional, can be wounding. You may see yourself here, in some way. How the wound is dealt with
can determine if its effects are short-lived or if they become part of the catalog of complaints that one spouse holds and
remembers about the other. Following the story are some general recommendations regarding navigating through relationship
conflict and enhancing a couple’s communication.
“Kitty
and Joe, both in their early 40’s, have been married for 15 years, and have 2 children, Cathy, age 12, and her younger
brother, Bobby, age 8. B0th Kitty and Joe are attorneys; Kitty works Part time for
a local corporation and Joe works full time in his family’s law practice. Their relationship has been strong, and its
durability has rested on their usually being mature and above all, conscious of their own behavior and how it affects their
partner.
Recently, however, stress has mounted. Each spouse’s business has suffered
an economic downturn; both of them are somewhat worried; their sleep is being affected, and Joe, being more inclined to put
his stress into his body, has had bouts of diarrhea and headache.
It’s a Tuesday,
not one of Kitty’s work days. She has spent her morning doing bills; finished, she begins to tackle some housework,
carrying the laundry downstairs and putting the first of at least 4 loads into the washing machine. The house is not completely
picked up, but Kitty is hungry and decides to have lunch and get to the house later, maybe between delivering and retrieving
Bobby to and from soccer practice.
Bobby’s bus drops him off, he has a snack, and Kitty loads him and his equipment into the car. Just as she says goodbye
to her son, he begs her not to leave and to watch him play. She agrees, and stays at the field.
Meanwhile,
Joe is driving home early from the office, having had his own frustrating day. When traffic on 684 suddenly slows to a crawl,
the feeling that he just can’t get a break becomes compounded. He and Kitty have not been getting along as well as they
used to; each of them has become more peevish and irritable, and the bad feelings have been circling with little interruption
for weeks.
Kitty’s efforts to recognize what he’s been going through have
not really hit the mark, and Joe’s continued irritability has frustrated her needs for love and attention; Kitty’s
anger about this has been more in his face. Joe feels alone and misunderstood. His need for soothing has been growing, as
has his resentment at not getting it. Now there’s this miserable traffic!
Joe
finally pulls into his driveway; Kitty’s car is not there. Given the recent emotional stalemate between them, he’s
not sure if this is the good news or the bad news, and resolves to take a bike ride, thinking the exercise would help to reduce
his stress. His bicycle shorts are nowhere to be found, and there are no athletic socks in his drawer. He finds them in the
washing machine, still wet; it’s true, he thinks, he doesn’t count around here, can’t get his needs met,
and lately that’s included in the bedroom. Kitty comes home with Bobby. She’s enjoyed her afternoon with her son,
and her mood has softened. Seeing Joe coming down the stairs she approaches him with an affectionate hug. Joe’s mood
remains dark, and unable to accept her gesture, he snaps.
“What have you been
doing all day? The house is a mess. I need to ride, and my shorts are wet.
Kitty attempts
to explain her day, and Bobby wanting her to watch the game, when he cuts her off.
“I
can’t get anything around here. Bobby got what he needed, but not me! I’m working my ass off all day, and that’s
not adding up to much. Do you have any idea the pressure I’m under to bring money into this house?”
Kitty backs up, feels like crying, but doesn’t. She’s no lightweight, and can defend herself.
“Don’t speak to me that way, like I’m a piece of trash. I have a life
of my own, and I’m your wife, remember? Screw you!”
With that she storms
past him, and he heads for the door, needing to be away from her. Before slamming it behind him, he fires a last volley, escalating
their conflict: “And what about last night?” referring their not having sex.
When
Kitty and Joe have had a cooling off period and are able to talk to each other, they would do well to demonstrate that each
of them has empathy – the ability to emotionally relate- for their partner’s experience. People who do not experience
empathy in their relationships feel unimportant and disconnected. Empathy is felt when tone of voice matches content. For
example, if both Kitty and Joe were able to say a heartfelt, “I hear what you’re saying, I appreciate now what
you’ve been going through,” all by itself a significant level of healing will be achieved! Remember, healthy families provide a frame for all feelings, and recognize that anger is an expectable
part of living together. The deep belief needs to be, “this feels really bad, and I don’t like you right now,
but we’ll get through this and be stronger on the other end.” John Gerson, Ph.D. drjohn@drjohn123.com
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